Some Deep Frustrations

Forgive my long-windedness, but I promise earnestly that I won't waste your time.

I am becoming slowly aware of the cruelty of high school. I've realized that I have a morbid role in the social structure of my school.

I am nothing more than the "Bearded Lady," the "Two-Headed Snake." A sideshow item, useful mostly in the amusement of others. And when they are satisfied, I am cast aside. It's kinda depressing.

I realize I have never been popular. I do not expect to be so. But the thing that pisses me off is how many people just flat-out REFUSE to acquaint themselves with something, or someone, different from what is already around them. In my case, there is a confluence of factors that has turned me into a monkey in a cage to many people.


I AM FAIRLY INTELLECTUAL: I do not mean to sound a braggart, but it's true. School and knowledge interest me. I am inspired by knowledge, far moreso than many people. As a consequence, I have become a resource. An encyclopaedia instead of a person at times. I am "uncool" because I like school. That sickens me more profoundly than any other evil. There is literally an infinitely high amount of untapped potential all around. I am guilty of it as well, but I know a large amount of people who could achieve so much more than they do currently.

Many of my AIM conversations with people I don't know very well usually consist of someone else asking me a question about school (an assignment, a draft of someone's essay), and that's about it. When their question is answered, they are finished. I seldom have a meaningful conversation with someone other than those I know better; they are few and far-between.

Now don't get me wrong; I love helping people. My idealistic hope is that the way I help them can help them in future times of confusion. It doesn't tend to happen that way. All they are looking for is a "quick fix," and the Gavrich Encyclopaedia is somewhat reliable, and free.


I AM POLITE AND ETHICS-CONSCIOUS: I am dumbfounded by the way a large number of people act. This is especially apparent in my observations of boys' behavior vis-a-vis girls. I am probably hopelessly, terribly old-fashioned, but in my ideal world, boys/men act differently in order to curry the favor of girls/women. I am fantastically awkward, because I am physically and emotionally averse to nearly all modern teenage male behaviors aimed at gaining respect in the eyes of the female population.

I do not swear or speak vulgarly in the presence of a girl or woman because I was raised to have high respect for them. I am sad when I see or hear a boy tell a dirty, derogatory joke in front of girls. And then I hear the uneasy laughter from the females within earshot.

The word "hot" in terms of describing a girl's/woman's looks makes me feel uncomfortable, because it is purely an estimation of superficialities. It objectifies girls and women in the basest way, and I believe they deserve far more respect than that.

Call me crazy, but isn't personality worth something? I'm sad to say that to a great many boys and young men, certain girls are just trophies. Outward beauty is the only relevant trait to most men (I believe, by the way, that this is a cause of the ever-increasing divorce rate in this country). Maybe it's because I'm no "hottie" myself, but regardless, I feel strongly that way.

I know that an attractive girl or woman is a privilege to behold, but inner beauty accentuates the outward appearance all the same. I find many girls I know to be more attractive than do most of my male peers, because a good personality makes the exterior even more pleasant. Conversely, there are girls who my male peers find "hot" that I find generally repulsive because of an awful demeanour. I do not join in sexist banter whenever girls help themselves to ice cream in the Dining Hall. The ideal female figure in the eyes of the boorish male is very difficult to attain, and impossible to maintain, except at a potentially grave price. Hence the rise in teenage female bulimia and anorexia.


(Finally) I HAVE UNUSUAL INTERESTS AND MANNERISMS: I am ever trying to convince others to embrace their peers' differences. This is not solely for my purposes, because I know many like me who too are relatively unknown to the general population because they look, speak, act, or (most commonly) think a differently.

As I write this, I am listening to "Milestones," a famous jazz tune penned and performed by the great Miles Davis. "Milestones" was first performed over a half-century ago. I am unable to see the intellectual value in virtually all rap music. The same goes for modern Pop music. I am much more interested by Bob Dylan and Neil Young than by 50 Cent and Green Day. I like classical music; my favorite composers are Gustav Holst and George Gershwin. I also like folk music; specifically the efforts of the group Silly Wizard, the solo songs of its lead singer Andy Stewart, and Jez Lowe and the Bad Pennies, among others.

I walk funny. That's pretty self-explanatory.

I like words, so I sometimes use ones that may be obscure of have esoteric meanings. I hope that if you have encountered any such words up to this point that you'll take a moment to look them up. That's how I learned them.

I am dependent upon my laptop for taking notes and writing essays on tests. The reason is that I have always had a fundamental fine motor-skills deficiency. It causes my hand to become sore and tired after a relatively short time writing. My handwriting is atrocious. I can't tie my shoes with the skill and agility of 99% of people my age, and perhaps people of 10 years of age. I'd ecstatically trade my extra-time and computer accomodation on tests for the ability to do these things the way others can, but that's impossible. Another difference.
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In writing all this, I am not fishing for pity. There are too many people in roughly the same position as I. The point of this hour's writing was to try to explore some things that I just don't understand. If you have read all the way to this point, I would like to thank you most sincerely for bearing with me. You could have done whatever you usually do at this hour (if it does not usually entail reading the ramblings of frustrated souls), but you chose to listen to what I have to say. I appreciate it. If you have a comment or would like to challenge one or more of my points, I'd like for you to send me an IM. My screen name is timgolf2002.

Thanks.